Paikea

Oh wow!

2008-02-10T20:18:00.000+01:00

That was a looooooooooong time ago since my last post...

The fear today...

2006-12-11T16:33:00.000+01:00

8.30am

I'll have to have a minor surgery on my knee at 10am today, a small mole's gonna be removed. I've had this done before and I know that it actually is not a big deal but I'm so afraid of it! I'm already nervous, and feel sick and I know that I'll get dizzy and almost pass out like the last times. I hate this.

Fast forward to 1.14pm

Well, here I am back again. It was a lovely doc and an even nicer nurse that he has. She was holding my hand all time, encouraged me, I was joking with the them, we had a good laugh and sooner than expected it was over. They had one of those pulse things clipped on my finger and had an eye on it and whenever I felt a bit dizzy they cared even more. Afterwards I could go straight onto another couch/stretcher (word?), got some water and lay down for about 20 mins longer. I still feel a bit wobbly now, but having good experiences made it almost a "cruise through". Plus a couple of text messages from the-guy-I-have-yet-to-meet-but-seemingly-like-a-lot and him caring a lot made it almost easy peasy. Of course I had my mum with me and was just treated with some Thai food and chocolate.

And another good thing today is that I've started to lose weight! Yay! Minus 1.5kg this morning! And the temperatures are falling, too. I so want to get into christmas mood, but cold temps are a must for it!

It's time again for an update...

2006-12-08T21:09:00.000+01:00

Yes, I should have written more regulary and always wanted to. Sometimes I was just overwhelmed with what was happening and hence I often didn't know where to start. Anyway, here it goes:

I told Mr. Disgusting that I won't be able to work for him. Since then I'm feeling better. I had the most horrible business trip to Cannes with him; it was so bad that it took me about two weeks to recognize myself in the mirror again - I looked that bad, very unhappy and as if something had sucked all life out of me.

So it's back to job hunting again which isn't that bad actually. I'm sure the right job just hasn't come up yet. Although I have sent my CV to MTV Networks and getting a job with them...woohoo - that would be like winning the jackpot! Not really actually, they don't pay that well, but still.

The Ex - M. - has sent a text out of the blue about two weeks ago just to tell me with those meaningful three dots at the end of the sentence that he'd been looking at our old pictures... Freakin' fantastic. So what? Good thing was that this gave me a reason to think about it/him again and if I wanted him back. It turns out that all my hard work was well worth it and my absolutely over him! This feels so good!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow, it's only a day away...
Right, Ive met someone on the internet via a business platform. About two and a half months ago he contacted me first and I refused to give him my phone number which apparently made him interested in me even more. He kept sending mails every now and then just saying hello, I didn't always reply. Last week then I gave him my phone number (for job contacts he has) and things turned really really strange! We talked on the phone quite often, mails have intensified, and last night after three hours of chatting on MSN, we talked another 4 hours on the phone until 6.30am this morning!!! I haven't even met him in real life yet but he gives me goosebumps and this funny jimjams in the tummy whenever I think of him. We planned to meet on Wednesday when he's having a business appointment near my town but last night we decided to meet tomorrow! I can't wait! There's still a chance that I will be majorly disappointed and I try to keep that in mind, however this feels really really good! Fingers crossed!!! :-)

brooding...

2006-11-04T15:18:00.000+01:00

HE said he's brooding. I have to name HIM, but what to call him? Well, it's not very creative but it actually comes very close - he's my Mr. Big and so it shall be. Mr. Big is brooding. He says he's always been in love with me and even when he married that other woman he was thinking about me. Shocking.

For me it's become so exhausting. All those feelings, those ups and downs, and now he's telling me just out of the blue that he's brooding a lot. FFS, make a decision! Sometimes I don't want to see him anymore because I'm tired of all this. This is just a fucked up situation but honestly, I have no idea how to get out. I want to forget him and move on, but as often as I tried as often everything was just coming back again and again and again.... rather like bungee jumping. He makes me happy and sad at the same time.

And on the other hand I just see no future for us. No more. I've now been single for a year which is ok for me, I haven't been searching for someone, and I feel that the world is open to me and that I'm free in my decisions and if Mr. Big would now decide to give us a chance I'd feel trapped. I'd feel not to be free anymore because in that case he'd have given up so much for us but what if something happened that made me leave him? A wonderful friendship that it is now would go down the drain.

Perhaps Peter Ustinov was right when he said: The big love is only the unfulfilled.

I feel torn and this is an unhealthy situation - for everyone involved.

On the upside: I'm going to see Ronan Keating in Frankfurt tonight. It's a business thing which makes it kinda cool.

happy halloween...

2006-10-31T21:33:00.000+01:00

I'm staying in tonight so instead I decided to dress up my avatar. Enjoy:

it's all coming back...

2006-10-29T19:03:00.000+01:00

Been in Cologne this weekend. Nuff said. Except...

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I have ever made

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but it's all coming back to me now

It's all coming back
It's all coming back to me now

update update update...

2006-10-25T14:50:00.000+02:00

Weather: cloudy, too warm
Mood: ok
Weight: don't ask - I'm frustrated (haven't reached my goal yet)
Soundtrack: The Caffrey Brothers

Well, here I am again. Kindly reminded of someone I don't even know personally yet, that I should keep up my good start in writing my blog. And right he is. The reasons I haven't written for such a long time are various: laziness, too little time, too much to tell...whatever.

Anyway, I'm now officially a Geordie!!! Yes, that's right. I was adopted by my beloved north-east this July at my graduation. *sniff* I miss England...

So now I'm in the job hunting process and there has come up a possibility. Everything sounds good so far but it's not sure yet. It would give me a great start in the music branch and help me to get fantastic contacts. On the downside it'd still be here in my hometown. I wish I could find something like that in London. As I said before, I miss England and I know that's where I feel like home. Honestly, I was even crying when I stood on the ferry in the morning when we arrived in Newcastle in July. Here in Germany is where my parents are, but somehow I feel that England is the place I belong to. Isn't that strange? Maybe I've lived there in a former life? Who knows...

Anyway, someday I'll move back. And someday I'll meet my dream man. And someday I'll be happy again...

In the meantime it's 10.30pm and I'm really proud of myself. I've actually dragged myself to the gym and went to a class called Ballet Balance. Yay! I feel like crap now and realised that I'm far from fit, but I want and must keep up the good start! I so want to get into a routine and manage to get that feeling that I don't feel comfortable without sport. Probably my goals are once again to high but one should never aim at mediocre, right? I want to get past that anxiousness when going to the gym on my own. Oh well, there's so much I want.

quick note...

2006-06-27T13:56:00.000+02:00

Weather: sunny, not too hot, quick rainshower this morning
Mood: just fine
Weight: 61kg
Soundtrack: One Love by U2 (just for the fact that it has been playing in the CD player of the BMW Z4 I was driving today)

Sooooo, I've just returned from a date with an old school friend. Wow, what a gorgous sweety! He's cute, nice, easy to talk to, handsome, funny...

On the downside: he's got a girlfriend. :-(

Well, I gotta get on with my life anyway. We'll be meeting again as it was a really relaxed and nice afternoon. And if we'll just meet as friends...fine, perhaps it's better that way anyway.

But to have someone like him would surely be nice. *sigh*

the soundtrack of my life...

2006-06-26T15:33:00.000+02:00

...I have music in my head playing almost constantly. Sometimes I feel as if walking through a videoclip and for many situations or times in life I have songs that just say what I'm feeling at this very moment.

One of my alltime favourites is 'Poison' by Alice Cooper and for the last couple of days I'm thinking, no I know, that this is excactly what my colleague is thinking and feeling when I'm on his mind:

Your cruel device
Your blood, like ice
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill
I want to love you but I better not touch
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
Youre poison running through my veins
Youre poison, I dont want to break these chains
Your mouth, so hot
Your web, Im caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace on sweat
I hear you calling and its needles and pins
I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Dont want to touch you but you're under my skin
I want to kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
Youre poison running through my veins
Youre poison, I dont wanna break these chains
Poison

england : ecuador in stuttgart...(1:0)

2006-06-25T23:06:00.000+02:00

WOOHOO!!! Just a quick note, full report tomorrow (I'm knackered).

The day in Stuttgart was FANTASTIC! Great atmosphere, great people, great vibe!

Now I really need to get a shower and probably a Paracetamol.

And even my second favourite footie club had brought its own flag. Now that was a surprise!

losing them...No.1

2006-06-24T23:12:00.000+02:00

...too many kilograms I have for my liking now that is.

Start: 61.8
Goal: 55

I need to put some pressure on myself to actually keep going with my routine and to achieve my goal. This would be the weight I'm most comfy with and I want to be there for my graduation at 17 July. Well, if it'd still be 2 or three more I wouldn't mind but right now I just feel uncomfortable with myself.

Anyway, I started a little routine using dumb-bells and ankle weights, really want to and have to use our cross-trainer for some cardio training and have to pay more attention to my actual intake of food. I've always ate healthy; but during the last couple of months just a tad too much. So I bought a protein shake today to have instead of snacking during the day and try to stick mainly to fruit, veggies, mostly vegetarian, salad and try to skip carbohydrates and if chocolate than only high quality dark one.

The other thing is that I've found an article by David Kirsch today with some excercise that I want to include in my daily routine. So the purpose of writing this down is pretty much to keep an eye on myself and to monitor my achievements.

Keep fingers crossed!

last sixteen...germany : sweden in munich...

2006-06-24T18:47:00.000+02:00

Weather: Nice, sunny and warm - almost hot. Enjoyable.
Mood: Good. Relaxed.

Three minutes to go and things are looking goooooood for Germany! 2:0 with fabulous goals within the first 10mins (or so)! This is great, this is giving me goosebumps and it feels wonderful! I do feel sorry for Olli Kahn though. Poor guy, I just hope Klinsi lets him play at least once. Before the game I went downtown and the nearer the kick-off came, the emptier the city became. People were heading home or mingled in front of the large screens. Even the shop-assistents said that they could see a difference and that it's getting emptier. Usually Saturday is the busiest and most crowded shopping day.

Tomorrow I'm off to Stuttgart! England is playing Ecuador and 60.000 (!) English fans are expected in the city! I've read that this number of English usually doesn't visit Stuttgart in one year. It's going to be one red-white coloured sea...

WOOHOO at this very minute the german team is among the best eight of the world!!! (2:0)

...I just hope they behave as well as they did in Frankfurt and Cologne so far.

Change of topic:

There's an issue with a new neighbour which is giving me the creeps:

Thing is that it was a nice chat some time ago and he's asked me if I'd show him around the new neighbourhood and the region. I said yes, of course. Him being from another continent and mostly being on his own and working. So I took him to him to some kind of street festival in our town where locals go to meet old friends from school they haven't seen in ages and such. There were many friends of mine who he talked to and it was a nice evening that he very much enjoyed. When he walked me home (well. we're living on the same street anyway) he frankly asked me what I wanted, why I don't have a b/f and such and it was obvious that he wanted to kiss me. I made it very clear that I'm "just not that into him", that I'm happy as a single and that I don't want to get into anything whatsoever. No kiss. After all he is still just my neighbour and I have a life, a family and work. I'm pretty busy and when not I enjoy taking time for myself and just hang around on my own at home. Since this evening he's pretty much sent me several texts per day and called a couple of times to see what I'm about, if I'm busy, when I'll get home from work, what my plans for the evening would be, etc. Up to that certain extent that I felt cautious about getting home and hoping not to see him on the street and not feeling comfy at home when he sees that I'm in because my car is outside on the street. It feels a bit like I have given him an inch and he wants to take an ell.I don't want to feel the need to find excuses why I don't want to hang around with him.But last night I think he's taken things too far and I feel a bit shocked about it. He's asked me if I had plans for the 4th July weekend as it's his national holiday. We had already talked about this day and I said that if he's doing anything I'd like to come along for any celebrations he might have with colleagues (US army that is). I wondered why he was talking about the weekend as this 4th July is on a Tuesday. He then told me that he's got the weekend plus Monday and Tuesday off and he'd like me to say what to do and where to go and if I wanted to stay overnight! Excuse me!? I told him before that I don't want him to make plans dependent on me! For me this is nothing but a nice guy to have in the neighbourhood. We can go for drinks every now and then and if it fits within the personal schedule we can arrange for a day (!) trip within the region so he can get to know this part of the country. I really have no idea how to get this across to him a nice and non offending way. All I want is to be at home without a bad conscience.

england, germany and crush update...

2006-06-21T23:01:00.000+02:00

Germany - Ecuador: 3:0
England - Sweden: 2:2

This is SO cool! England and Germany are both in the last sixteen and not playing each other right now. Fab! But my sweetheart, Michael Owen, is out! Injured badly during the first 4mins of the game. He's out for the rest of the tournament and probably for the next 5 months. Poor darling!

Anyway, remember my post about colleague-crush I wrote about a couple of days ago? Well, today he almost kissed me! I'd love to kiss him; but I can't allow it to be more than a crush! And he's strong enough not 'to cross that certain thin line' although he admitted today that he's been kissing me many times in his dreams! This is not fair!

england : trinidad tobago in nürnberg (2:0)

2006-06-15T19:25:00.000+02:00

66mins played and still 0:0

oh dear, boys... oh dear...what a sorry state you are...

YAY!!!! 2:0!!!

germany : poland in dortmund (1:0)

2006-06-15T13:39:00.000+02:00

Weather: hot, hot, hot. Approx. 32°C and sunny; today a bit sticky though as it's supposed to rain tonight.
Mood: Mixed. Happy because of all the footie and World Cup stuff going on. But not that well; headache since a couple of days and just a bit 'sludgy' in general.

First of all: Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Paikea, happy birthday to me! Yes, yesterday was my 28th birthday. Not a special day; but nice. Nice pressies. The coolest will be that I'll have a BMW Z4 for testing in two weeks time. Yay!

WOOHOO!!! So last night Germany made it; only in the very last minute but who cares? 1:0 against Poland. Poor Polish. Nah, honestly. But I'm actually really really happy for the Germans.

I went with my best friend to watch the game at a very cool new venue in Mannheim - the Jungbusch Arena. Cool people. Mostly students mingling with artists and musicians.

But today it's cheering for England again. Fingers crossed!

And I've just received a message that one of my pics is supposed to be published. Wow - I feel honoured! Let's see where this will go.

Oh, I've met our new neighbour the first time. Well, new? He's been living here since 6 months already but as summer just started and life is going on outside this was the first time I was chatting with him. Nice guy! He's in the airforce. Impressive. Don't know why but it is. Tonight he's coming along to watch the England game. I'd like to show him around my part of the country and guess he'd be quite happy about it. Strange though - he kept calling me Ma'am! Odd.

Anyways, there's another guy in my life right now who's starting to be disturbing in a nice but wrong way. He's a colleague and we didn't have much to do with each other up until 3 months ago or so. And now - we like each other. A LOT! We're flirting all day long. We kind of know what the other's thinking and can communicate with our eyes and there's no need to talk. Yesterday, it was my birthday and he hugged me. Longer than it would be 'acceptable' for a normal hug. And when we were in each others arms there suddenly was this silence and peace. And I just knew that he felt the same. There was a lot of heartbeating going on. BUT!!! He's married! And I don't want to and can't allow myself to fall in love with him! As soon as I do this whole thing will start to be hurtful. And it doesn't make sense anyway. Really, I hope we can carry on our 'relationship' rather as brother and sister and nothing more. *sigh*

england : paraguay in frankfurt am main (1:0)

2006-06-11T09:44:00.000+02:00

This is me yesterday - all cheery for England. I went to Frankfurt and had a fabulous time! The atmosphere, the vibe... I can hardly describe it! No one should miss this great experience of the World Cup 2006. If there's any chance you should go to one of the WC cities and mingle with the crowds - it's one of the best things ever. Sooooo much fun!!!

At the same time the WC started it was also kick-off for this years summer. 29°C on the balcony yesterday and so far the weather looks promising for today, too. Sunny, blue skys, warm. Yay! Strawberries for brekkie - yum! And yesterday I was wearing jandals for the first time this year - aren't these one of the best inventions ever!?

I'm still a bit tired from yesterday; and can't wait for the other games I'm going to!

This is the large screen in the river Main in Frankfurt

kick off....the world cup has started...

2006-06-10T10:04:00.000+02:00

...and fantastic so! Germany won their first game! 4:2 against Costa Rica! Woohoo! Well, actually I'm supporting England and Oz; but Germany is my country and even though it doesn't feel like it most of the time, right now I can feel it.

So today I'm off to Frankfurt to watch England playing Paraguay. It should be fun. We're having guests from Australia and a BBQ on a friends terrace. Nice!

And on top of it - summer has started yesterday. We're having lovely 26°C and sunshine and it's about to get warmer each day.

update...

2006-06-06T23:31:00.000+02:00

Weather: Cloudy and sunny. Too cold for this time of the year!
Mood: Quite good, relaxed and tired.

Well, a lot has happened in the meantime. So much for my plan to write in here regularly. Hopefully I can manage it from now on.
I've passed! At 24 March a letter from my uni arrived saying that Ms. Erin Paikea has passed her masters degree! It was such a good feeling! Such a relief and suddenly I felt so grown-up. It has to be one of the best feelings ever! My graduation will be in July and I'll give this time to myself to relax, to make up my mind, to find out what I really want and where I really would like to be, until I start job-hunting seriously.
My part-time job: not a good topic right now. It was OK as long as I wasn't alright. But I've grown so much and this job is showing me where I do not want to be and what I do not want in the future. Not HR and not a purely office-job. I need creativity and definately no controlling. All this controlling that is going on in this office is making me sick and it effectively sucks off all energy I have. The more controlled and watched I feel, the less I accomplish. The positive thing it has shown me though is that I'm sure now that my future is in marketing and media. I've worked as a freelancer at a radio station before and worked for TV - and this is where I belong, where I feel best.
I've started to take my hobby, art photography, more serious and began to release some of my shots here: http://erinpaikea78.deviantart.com/gallery/ . This is probably the most rewarding thing I've ever did! And it's so much fun! I started to walk around with a different view on things, have met wonderful people because of it and never leave my house without my camera.
My mum has a slipped disc since Easter. It's hard for her; but fortunately it's getting better gradually!
Today we've booked the ferry and the hotel to go to my graduation! It's going to be fabulous! I've always wanted to stay there and now we are! Yay!
It's my birthday in eight days but doesn't feel like it would be soon as it just too f*** cold!!!

my first blog ever...

2006-06-06T23:28:00.000+02:00

18 February 2006

Weather: Cloudy, sunny and windy. Too warm for this time of the year - Spring says hello!
Mood: Quite ok. A little hungover from too much homemade avocado-dip with nachos and red wine last night.
Plans for today: Getting rid of dust bunnies, do some sports and go shopping with my mum.

Hello everybody,

I'm Paikea, 27 years old and just finished my Masters degree in Business. Well, at least I hope I'll pass...
Right now I'm having lots of time and many plans for the future. Wahey! World - here I come! :-)
This is my first blog ever and I'm curious how it'll go. Ambitions are quite high currently and I hope that I'm going to write in here everyday. Let's see.

See you later!