brooding...

HE said he's brooding. I have to name HIM, but what to call him? Well, it's not very creative but it actually comes very close - he's my Mr. Big and so it shall be. Mr. Big is brooding. He says he's always been in love with me and even when he married that other woman he was thinking about me. Shocking.

For me it's become so exhausting. All those feelings, those ups and downs, and now he's telling me just out of the blue that he's brooding a lot. FFS, make a decision! Sometimes I don't want to see him anymore because I'm tired of all this. This is just a fucked up situation but honestly, I have no idea how to get out. I want to forget him and move on, but as often as I tried as often everything was just coming back again and again and again.... rather like bungee jumping. He makes me happy and sad at the same time.

And on the other hand I just see no future for us. No more. I've now been single for a year which is ok for me, I haven't been searching for someone, and I feel that the world is open to me and that I'm free in my decisions and if Mr. Big would now decide to give us a chance I'd feel trapped. I'd feel not to be free anymore because in that case he'd have given up so much for us but what if something happened that made me leave him? A wonderful friendship that it is now would go down the drain.

Perhaps Peter Ustinov was right when he said: The big love is only the unfulfilled.

I feel torn and this is an unhealthy situation - for everyone involved.

On the upside: I'm going to see Ronan Keating in Frankfurt tonight. It's a business thing which makes it kinda cool.