Oh wow!

That was a looooooooooong time ago since my last post...

The fear today...

8.30am

I'll have to have a minor surgery on my knee at 10am today, a small mole's gonna be removed. I've had this done before and I know that it actually is not a big deal but I'm so afraid of it! I'm already nervous, and feel sick and I know that I'll get dizzy and almost pass out like the last times. I hate this.

Fast forward to 1.14pm

Well, here I am back again. It was a lovely doc and an even nicer nurse that he has. She was holding my hand all time, encouraged me, I was joking with the them, we had a good laugh and sooner than expected it was over. They had one of those pulse things clipped on my finger and had an eye on it and whenever I felt a bit dizzy they cared even more. Afterwards I could go straight onto another couch/stretcher (word?), got some water and lay down for about 20 mins longer. I still feel a bit wobbly now, but having good experiences made it almost a "cruise through". Plus a couple of text messages from the-guy-I-have-yet-to-meet-but-seemingly-like-a-lot and him caring a lot made it almost easy peasy. Of course I had my mum with me and was just treated with some Thai food and chocolate.

And another good thing today is that I've started to lose weight! Yay! Minus 1.5kg this morning! And the temperatures are falling, too. I so want to get into christmas mood, but cold temps are a must for it!

It's time again for an update...

Yes, I should have written more regulary and always wanted to. Sometimes I was just overwhelmed with what was happening and hence I often didn't know where to start. Anyway, here it goes:

I told Mr. Disgusting that I won't be able to work for him. Since then I'm feeling better. I had the most horrible business trip to Cannes with him; it was so bad that it took me about two weeks to recognize myself in the mirror again - I looked that bad, very unhappy and as if something had sucked all life out of me.

So it's back to job hunting again which isn't that bad actually. I'm sure the right job just hasn't come up yet. Although I have sent my CV to MTV Networks and getting a job with them...woohoo - that would be like winning the jackpot! Not really actually, they don't pay that well, but still.

The Ex - M. - has sent a text out of the blue about two weeks ago just to tell me with those meaningful three dots at the end of the sentence that he'd been looking at our old pictures... Freakin' fantastic. So what? Good thing was that this gave me a reason to think about it/him again and if I wanted him back. It turns out that all my hard work was well worth it and my absolutely over him! This feels so good!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow, it's only a day away...
Right, Ive met someone on the internet via a business platform. About two and a half months ago he contacted me first and I refused to give him my phone number which apparently made him interested in me even more. He kept sending mails every now and then just saying hello, I didn't always reply. Last week then I gave him my phone number (for job contacts he has) and things turned really really strange! We talked on the phone quite often, mails have intensified, and last night after three hours of chatting on MSN, we talked another 4 hours on the phone until 6.30am this morning!!! I haven't even met him in real life yet but he gives me goosebumps and this funny jimjams in the tummy whenever I think of him. We planned to meet on Wednesday when he's having a business appointment near my town but last night we decided to meet tomorrow! I can't wait! There's still a chance that I will be majorly disappointed and I try to keep that in mind, however this feels really really good! Fingers crossed!!! :-)

brooding...

HE said he's brooding. I have to name HIM, but what to call him? Well, it's not very creative but it actually comes very close - he's my Mr. Big and so it shall be. Mr. Big is brooding. He says he's always been in love with me and even when he married that other woman he was thinking about me. Shocking.

For me it's become so exhausting. All those feelings, those ups and downs, and now he's telling me just out of the blue that he's brooding a lot. FFS, make a decision! Sometimes I don't want to see him anymore because I'm tired of all this. This is just a fucked up situation but honestly, I have no idea how to get out. I want to forget him and move on, but as often as I tried as often everything was just coming back again and again and again.... rather like bungee jumping. He makes me happy and sad at the same time.

And on the other hand I just see no future for us. No more. I've now been single for a year which is ok for me, I haven't been searching for someone, and I feel that the world is open to me and that I'm free in my decisions and if Mr. Big would now decide to give us a chance I'd feel trapped. I'd feel not to be free anymore because in that case he'd have given up so much for us but what if something happened that made me leave him? A wonderful friendship that it is now would go down the drain.

Perhaps Peter Ustinov was right when he said: The big love is only the unfulfilled.

I feel torn and this is an unhealthy situation - for everyone involved.

On the upside: I'm going to see Ronan Keating in Frankfurt tonight. It's a business thing which makes it kinda cool.

happy halloween...

I'm staying in tonight so instead I decided to dress up my avatar. Enjoy:

it's all coming back...

Been in Cologne this weekend. Nuff said. Except...

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I have ever made

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but it's all coming back to me now

It's all coming back
It's all coming back to me now

update update update...

• Weather: cloudy, too warm
• Mood: ok
• Weight: don't ask - I'm frustrated (haven't reached my goal yet)
• Soundtrack: The Caffrey Brothers

Well, here I am again. Kindly reminded of someone I don't even know personally yet, that I should keep up my good start in writing my blog. And right he is. The reasons I haven't written for such a long time are various: laziness, too little time, too much to tell...whatever.

Anyway, I'm now officially a Geordie!!! Yes, that's right. I was adopted by my beloved north-east this July at my graduation. *sniff* I miss England...

So now I'm in the job hunting process and there has come up a possibility. Everything sounds good so far but it's not sure yet. It would give me a great start in the music branch and help me to get fantastic contacts. On the downside it'd still be here in my hometown. I wish I could find something like that in London. As I said before, I miss England and I know that's where I feel like home. Honestly, I was even crying when I stood on the ferry in the morning when we arrived in Newcastle in July. Here in Germany is where my parents are, but somehow I feel that England is the place I belong to. Isn't that strange? Maybe I've lived there in a former life? Who knows...

Anyway, someday I'll move back. And someday I'll meet my dream man. And someday I'll be happy again...

In the meantime it's 10.30pm and I'm really proud of myself. I've actually dragged myself to the gym and went to a class called Ballet Balance. Yay! I feel like crap now and realised that I'm far from fit, but I want and must keep up the good start! I so want to get into a routine and manage to get that feeling that I don't feel comfortable without sport. Probably my goals are once again to high but one should never aim at mediocre, right? I want to get past that anxiousness when going to the gym on my own. Oh well, there's so much I want.